Fuck Yeah, Motherfucker!

I have returned from the dead!

Actually, I've returned from the life.
What was it like?
Traveling, marriage and work, and watching movies about the Third Reich.

Seriously, in the past month I've watched Der Untergang, Schindler's List, some parts of Band of Brothers and Saving Private Ryan, and Letters from Iwo Jima. Well, the last one wasn't about WWII Germany but there was someone listed in the credits who knew a guy in the Third Reich. I still plan to watch Inglorious Basterds as well. I've always wondered why there was so much media about WWII, and 60 years later there's still new things coming out. When you get into it, the whole thing is truly, utterly fascinating. A global event of that scale is unimaginable in these times.

That's part of what drew me into watching FlashForward, despite the bad acting. Imagine something like that happening right now! Our silver spoon fed generation would be in for quite a shock with our Nintendos and our Trapper Keepers and Bon Jovi. Err...I mean our Wii's and our Internet and Beyonce. I remember back when I was little I always wished for something crazy to happen to entire the world like aliens come to attack us or Godzilla being real or the devil popping out of hell throwing pitchforks at everyone. Why does it have to be destructive and violent? Because as a kid I always liked it when people band together to fight a common enemy. Sure, people will die, but they were probably slow drivers in the fast lane or were terrible at customer service. In the end, the enemy is defeated and everyone just smokes out and has sex with each other.

Heh, look at me. Still talking about the exact same things. If you were a long time reader of my blog (all 3 of you) then you could see that I haven't changed at all. Thinking back now, that's probably why I stopped writing here. I have said pretty much everything I wanted to say in this era of my life and if I wrote another post it would be more of the same, just presented in a different manner.

But I was inspired since Belle wrote in her blog last week and I just miss writing. When I was talking to Jay at John John and Ivy's Baby Shower, the topic came up that no one has the time to sit down and read or write nowadays. With Twitter and Facebook you can just write something in terrible grammar every few minutes. Like with porn...with all the "tube" sites, it's just so insanely accessible now. When was the last time you watched an entire porno without fast forwarding? I guess this post just like a throwback to the old days when we couldn't tell every single one of our friends what we were doing every hour. This is going back to the days when you had to download a porno based just on its vague text description then masturbate to that same scene hundreds of times once it finally downloaded.

Okay...now on to recent events. I worked on our bedroom and loft recently and now the next project is to work on the garage. Advice to those of you with new homes: don't buy and do everything all at once. Our vision of what we wanted to do with our house when we moved in 3 years ago is totally different from what it is now. Your tastes and needs will change, so don't buy something unless you really, really need it. Try to get by with what you have now, then when something you really love goes on sale...that's when you get it. Like I've mentioned in many previous blogs...inefficiency is really the only thing that bothers me and when I waste something, I feel terrible about it. When society is inefficient (traffic, long lines, bad instructions, neglecting the facts, those automated telephone things) I complain about it on this blog.

In reality though, I don't complain much. Why spend a minute complaining about life when you could spend that minute enjoying it? Have you heard of those Improv Everywhere guys?

...

(waiting for telepathic answer)

Well it's these group of comedians and ordinary folk who do fun and crazy things just to get someone to laugh, smile, and make their day. Like when they gathered a large group of people to cheer on a no-name band at a show that probably wouldn't have any attendees otherwise. Or when they had a huge group of people greet random strangers at the airport like it was their homecoming. I say take those minutes that you would normally spend complaining about something, and instead do something crazy like teaching yourself the Dim Mak.

Will I continue to write in this blog again? I'd like to. I've been telling Belle that this year is probably the best year ever. When I grow old and want to think about the "good ol' days" I'll probably be referring to this year. Being the best year ever, it's a shame that I haven't been around here documenting it. Maybe that's an incentive for me to write here again. "Hey me! Yeah you! Why is this the best year ever?"

Thing of the day:

Of Neck Snakes and Belly Boards

On the train this morning there was this really annoying guy on his cell phone talking loud enough that the entire train could hear him. What the hell, it's 5 o'clock in the morning and people are trying to sleep. Who does this asshole think he is, that his conversation is so important he feels he can freely bark on his cellphone in a place where disgruntled employees want to get some rest? Some people are up really late and this is the only time they get to relax. This guy was talking like no one else was around him.

15 minutes of this and I had enough. Belle was up all night from working on wedding stuff and she doesn't need this. So I stood up and asked him nicely if he could keep it down. He ignored me. I'm not the kind of guy to get angry but I was tired and really pissed off at that point. So I snatched the phone from his hand and threw it on the floor as hard as I could. The flip-phone broke in half and suddenly the guy started crying. He was saying something like "What did you do??!!" then broke down and started crying. Serves him right for being an asshole.

Turns out I was wrong. This man was from Arkansas and had a son. His ex-wife cheated on him and took his son to a household where he was exposed to drugs, alcohol, and violence. The son was beaten every day by the ex-wife's boyfriend. The man went to church everyday and prayed to God that he could find his son and raise him with love and compassion. He traveled all over the US to find the ex-wife's trail, and along the way did kind deeds for others so that he could teach his son the value of caring for others, when he eventually found him. He finally got a hold of his ex-wife on the train in California that morning, but her wife was high on heroin and threatened to kill his son if he hung up the phone. The husband was on the phone trying to calm her down, but the wife was trying to negotiate the house for his son. It was at that point that I broke his phone, and in turn...killing his son he spent so long searching for.

The lesson is...have some courtesy and shut up when you're talking loud on your cellphone in public! Damn son!!

I'm a practical guy and sometimes I can be too grounded in reality. Belle is the total opposite and that was readily apparent during the whole wedding planning process. I guess that's why I'm really bad at is telling jokes:

Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.

Three men are at the FBI Building for a job interview. The interviewing FBI agent tells the first man, 'To be in the FBI you must be loyal, dedicated, and give us your all. Your wife is in the next room. I want you to go in there and shoot her with this gun.'

The man takes the gun, hesitates, and says, 'Sorry, I can't do it.'

The next interviewee enters the office and the agent tells him the same thing he told the first guy. The second man takes the gun, walks into the room, and walks out. 'Sorry, I can't.' he says.

The last man enters the office and the interviewer said yet again explains the test.' The man says "I'm sorry I love my wife too much to do such a harmful thing, I guess the FBI is not for me after all.

Why did the deaf man take his parrot to work?
He was weird.

A Blonde and a Brunette jump off a tall building at the same time. Who hits the ground first?
Both of them hit the ground at the same time. Hair color doesn't affect acceleration due to gravity.

A white man is driving his Cadillac on a highway in Texas. He notices a black man pushing his bicycle along the side of the road.

He pulls over to talk to the black man and offer him a ride. He says "I can't fit your bike in my car, but I can tie it to the back and let you ride behind me. If I'm going too fast, just yell."

The black man says "No thanks, that sounds pretty risky" and keeps pushing his bike down the road.

What do you get when you're gay?
Made fun of.

What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?
They were my friends.

What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.

So, there were an Irishman, an Englishman and an American wrecked on an island. One day, they found a bottle, and when they opened it, a ghost came out and offered them each a wish. However, even though they wished for different stuff, nothing happened, as the three guys of varying nationalities were just having shared hallucinations from hunger.

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.

The Pope walks into a bar. The bartender says, what'll ya have, Pope? But the Pope's grasp of English is tenuous at best, so he mumbles something in Latin. The bartender doesn't know any Latin. The Pope gets frustrated and leaves.

What's the deal with airline peanuts?
The packaging is generally poorly designed and cheaply made, as a method of cutting distribution costs. After all, most passengers wouldn't want a "Peanut Fee" attached to their already costly ticket prices in order to cover the expenses of higher quality wrappers. What are you complaining about, anyway? It's free food, and it's a nice snack. If you're really that bent on not enjoying the peanuts the airline so graciously provided you with, just save them and give them to the next homeless person you see. People these days are really selfish.

A bear walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't give beer to bears in bars."

The bear replies, "I guess I will have a soda instead."

So the bear and the bartender talk over nonalcoholic drinks all night about the reality of inter-species communication.

I bloated this "blog" with all those "jokes" to create this "entry". Sorry, been busy lately but I'll have more time to update this thing after about 2 weeks. Wow man, 2 weeks already!

Thing of the day: